John “Harbl” Harbaugh is the oldest of identical triplets, the other two of which died in a tragic water-skiing accident in the womb. John consumed their floating remains in situ, and was born on September 23rd, 1962, weighing 17lbs, 4oz, the largest and ugliest baby ever birthed in the state of Ohio. From his earliest days, he was a bruiser of a child, and took quickly to the roughest of sports, dominating the under-12s in URDF (“Ultimate Rabid Dog Fighting”). With the passage of the No Child Left Behind to Be Eaten by Rapid Dogs Act, John had to find a new pastime. He quickly gravitated toward football, where he earned the nickname “Old Yeller” due to his flowing golden mane and frothing mouth. After thirty years of play, he had scared away or eaten everyone else in the city of Baltimore, and so was appointed head coach of the Ravens, ruling the team with an iron fist and, for some reason, an iron jaw.
James Joseph “Jim” Harbaugh was born the son of a man and two women in Toledo, Ohio, in 1963. As a child, he excelled at badminton, quickly becoming the state’s under-12s champion, when he was only four-years-old. But then: tragedy struck. When Jim was only thirteen, he lost his first and only son to a tragic time travel accident. From that moment on, Jim knew he had to dedicate his life to the pursuit of football coaching, because that’s what his son had come back from 2024 to tell him. It was only a matter of time (and football) before he became head coach of the San Francisco 49ers, destined to battle his rabid brother on the gridiron, or suspended above an active volcano, whichever comes first.